Cause For Concern
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On a sunny and warm day in the middle of winter February, I was raking up sticks under the oak tree in front of our house. It has an oak gall problem which causes it to shed lots the tips of it's branches, especially when helped with the 16" of wet dense snow we received earlier. It creates a matt of twigs that need to be disposed before mowing season comes around.
As I was pausing my efforts, I happened to notice my neighbor's house where there was a trailer backed up to the garage, a SUV backed up to the house, and another car parked in the driveway. She is a kind older widow lady who over the years has brought us lots of chocolate chip cookies in exchange for fresh farm produce from our garden. Then a couple years ago, her youngest daughter died unexpectantly at home and we found out that our neighbor had severe dementia. We had suspected she might over the years but hadn't realized it had worsened considerably in recent years. Since then, she had had round the clock health care professionals looking after her and thus other than a few rare sightings of her collecting her mail, under the watchful eye of a caretaker, we haven't seen much of her.
So when I saw the vehicles backed up to the house, I suddenly remembered a day last week when there had been four cars all parked in front of the house. Since she can't drive, normally we just see the caretaker's car unless it is shift change and then there will be two for a few minutes. Worried, I called the neighbor on the other side of my neighbor's property and asked if they knew anything. They said they didn't know anything other than they had seen an ambulance there the same day I had seen all the cars last week.
We decided that we needed to get some more information and so the neighbors on the other side did the asking. I guess besides her dementia, our common neighbor has a pretty bad heart issue that required her to go to the hospital. According to the caretaker, she is expected home tomorrow but will be under home hospice care from now on.
It is unexpected news as other than the dementia, our neighbor has always been in great shape for her age. I wonder if the heart condition is genetic since her daughter (who was in horrible shape) died from a heart condition at a really young age. It also makes me ponder our the last thing I ever said to our neighbor. I don't know what it was but I know it would probably have been more thoughtful had I known it would be the last time I would get to talk to her.
I finished up my raking and hauled the debris down to the burn pile I didn't get burned this winter, again. Life has to go on whether we like it or not.
Post Addendum: My neighbor did some home the following day I wrote the above post. I saw the ambulance pull in around four in the afternoon though I didn't stay to see her exit the vehicle. The following day, at about the same time, I pulled into my driveway and noticed a hearse parked in the driveway. It pulled out about 30 minutes later followed by the string of other cars that had also been parked there. It seems like the book has ended for my neighbor.
Oh my gosh! That was an unexpected addendum -- I didn't envision the end coming so quickly. It's great you all check up on each other. In my neighborhood I doubt any of us would notice if a neighbor went missing -- we all interact so rarely anyway.
ReplyDeleteMy neighborhood, used to be fairly close. We all knew each other and had a neighborhood garage sale over three days every year where we would catch up on everyone's lives. But several have moved and it is a younger crowd moving in, some of which I don't know. My neighbor wasn't real social to the rest of the street but for good reason. She and her husband had a chain of businesses that made them quite wealthy and I think they had to reduce their exposure to the general public. She was known for her chocolate chip cookies and brought us over some soon after we moved in. We reciprocated with garden produce and thus I think that is why we were an exception to their rules. We never hung out together but when we were dropping off or receiving food, we would talk about things going on in our lives for a half hour or so, enough to get to know them better than most.
DeleteMaybe it was time for the merciful inevitable to occur. Wouldn't hospice have been less expensive than continual home care?
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing the answer is yes, though I don't know for sure. The hospice workers are all skilled nurses where as the home care were simply people who cooked and cleaned up for her while making sure she didn't wander off. If you read my comment to Steve above, money wasn't really an issue for her so it really didn't make a difference. She only has distant relations (which she made sound were strained) and with being quite wealthy, I'm expected a lot of squabbling going on over her estate in the future.
DeleteHospice doesn't do around the clock care unless you're in a hospice house. Otherwise, they just stop in for limited amounts of time and to do certain tasks like bathing. So, at home nursing care is the only way if the person doesn't have family to take shifts. And it costs a lot.
DeleteDementia is cruel and as John said above, it was probably time for the merciful inevitable to occur.
ReplyDeleteI think so too. She got to go home and die on familiar grounds in a quick manner. I hope I'm that lucky.
DeleteSometimes we don't know our neighbors a well as we should.
ReplyDeleteI know her better than most in the community but not like she was my family. I'll probably write a post summing up our history as neighbors.
DeleteThat's sad. I guess she came home to die.
ReplyDeleteIndeed and she didn't linger. Also fortunate due to her condition and help, her death was immediately discovered. I've lost a few acquaintances over the year that weren't missed for weeks.
DeleteYou are still young but I am old. I gave a lot of thought as to how I wanted the last part of my life to be. Still creating, gardening, doing what I enjoy. And when I am unable to carry on by myself, I don't want to be a burden to my kids. So I bought a rather expensive long term disability care insurance that will convert to a death benefit if it is unused. I would want a live-in caretaker that I like to cook, clean, and do what is necessary.
ReplyDeleteIt helps that I believe that death is a reward - a release from worldly ills and problems. And I also believe that we live on in peace and joy.
Selfish me would want my body to carry on even if my mind stops functioning but that places a huge burden on my kids. So for their sake, I would rather my body give out and my mind remains sharp until the end. I just hope for time to say my goodbyes.
DeleteOh.... gosh... This is what my post was for today. It scares me when I can't remember something. And names take me a LONG time for me to remember. And sometimes, it just doesn't come. And I agree with Honolulu Aunty. YOU are still a very young man, Ed. Very young. And it's the worry for my kids if I have dementia too early that bothers me as well.
ReplyDeleteI think forgetting or having trouble remembering names is quite normal. I've struggled with that all my life and have to use Dale Carnegie techniques to remember most names, i.e. I assign a mental picture image to every name which makes it easier to recall. But when you start forgetting the names of your own children or finding yourself driving with no idea where you are or where you are going, then you might need to worry some.
DeleteAlthough I'm certainly younger than you are, based on the age of your mom, I'm not as young as you think. I think it just throws people off because I got started really late creating a family, almost too late.
Oh gees! But the dear lady got to come home and die in her own place. There's something to be said for that, isn't there? We had a neighbor who was diabetic. He went into insulin shock. He lived alone, and he died. No one realized it for several days. It was a shock to see the hearse pull up in front that house.
ReplyDeleteYes, seeing a hearse pull up to any house is a shock, I think because of the finality of it.
DeleteA sad and lonely story. With my moving dying of Alzheimer's, such diseases are too close.
ReplyDeleteI know of several bloggers dealing or who have dealt with this issue. My heart goes out to all of them.
DeleteSounds like a fairly typical sequence of events for your older neighbor. Hospice is covered by Medicare. It usually consists of an RN visiting 2 times a week and bath aides 2 times a week. The nurse assesses and guides the family on giving symptom relieving meds. Most people think it is 24/7 care. Only during the "last 3 days" will an aide be placed at bedside, and a nurse visit daily or 2 times a day to check on comfort, meds needs. Most people don't go on hospice soon enough. So, if you wanted 24/7 care at home, it would need to be paid for. These days, most free-standing hospice buildings are for uncontrolled symptom management. When those symptoms are under control, the patient goes back to their home or facility. The days are gone where a patient stays at a hospice house for weeks and months until they die. Hospice house care is also covered by Medicare. IF there is any continual decline, hospice can be recertified by the doc for 6-month increments. Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteI think one of the most important functions of hospice that I experienced personally, as a family member of the hospice patient, is that they will sit down with you privately and answer all your questions and fears as well as be available 24/7 by phone should questions arise.
DeleteEd, one of the great horrors of things like Alzheimer's is the fact that the health of the patient can continue to be very good for years before the inevitable physical decline. My mother's physical condition has definitively degraded over the last 6 months or so, but prior to that (she was diagnosed in the mid 2010's) it was relatively good right up to that time.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. I saw my neighbor outside late last fall walking to get her mail and her gait more agile looking than that our current president. I'm not entirely sure she had a decline in body function, other than her heart perhaps.
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