Trying To Make Sense

When we got the call on Friday, we weren't overly concerned. A close cousin of my wife was letting us know her daughter hadn't come home the night before and was worried. We had spent two weeks with this cousin and daughter last year, once while on our east coast vacation and again when they took us up on a Midwest vacation at our house. Everything seemed normal with the relationship with the 24 year old daughter and her mom. The girl was trying to wrap up an online college degree thanks to Covid and wasn't quite sure where she was headed in life but for me, that is normal at that age. Many of us don't find our callings until much later in life after much trial and error. So we guessed there had been a disagreement and the 24 year old adult daughter had taken a night off to cool her heals. We prayed for a resolution and shared a missing daughter announcement using social media.

By Saturday morning, there was still no word back. We mused on it while we made our way down to the farm garden where we lost ourselves for most of the day getting it worked and planted. We were both tired and worn out in the evening when we got another call. The daughter had been found dead in her car with no other information provided. As expected we were shocked. We had felt like an aunt or uncle to this girl and now she was no longer in this world.

Despite our weary bones, I don't think either of us slept much Saturday night. We discussed various scenarios and wracked our past conversations for clues. I think both of us immediately suspected that the death had been self inflicted but both secretly hoped that perhaps there was another explanation. Sunday we lit a candle for her at church and of course prayed for the mother and her remaining son. Still shell shocked, we spent long periods trying to make sense of someone so young, that we had loved so dearly, now no longer alive. Later that evening, we finally got word that there had been a letter written to the mom at the scene of the death and so we now are pretty sure what occurred even if we don't know the reasons why.

I know it is common wisdom to not try and make sense of the irrational, but I can't help myself. Last night as my wife and I lay in bed waiting for sleep, we tried to make sense of it. I came up empty. I have been in pretty low places many times in my life but I force myself through because I just KNOW things WILL eventually get better. They always do. I suspect those like this girl, either through inexperience or just plain due to different brain wiring, just can't see a future that is better. We had thought about inviting this girl back to the Midwest for a long term visit to maybe find direction in her life and now that idea is too late. How I wish I could go back in time. Her last stop had been at a 7/11 where she purchased something before driving to some pay for parking lot somewhere and ending her life. I would  be at that 7/11 waiting for her if I could, just to let her know it will get better.

My wife is flying out to be with the family and commit the daughter's body into the afterlife. Being from a very Catholic family, where Catholicism has pretty staunch views on suicide, I'm not sure what that will look like. Her life on this world, this existence, however, is over now and here, she is at peace. I wish she had taken the time to speak to someone about her plans instead of leaving us all behind to try and rationalize something that can't be.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255