Monday, April 7, 2014


No shit so there I was. A boatman once told me that every great story must begin with these words and so I start this story with them. I was at my wife's uncles house in Dallas and his live in partner had waffles set out for breakfast. They were prepackaged things you buy in the supermarket and taste like cardboard compared to ones made from scratch. They were tiny things that you were supposed to toast and serve. As I got two out of the package, the live in partner seemed very concerned. He told me that they don't toast and only burn so if I put them in the toaster I could only do so for a minute. 

When I make waffles from scratch, I always make more than I need so everyone can have as much as they please and because they freeze really well and heat up well in a toaster. You do have to monitor them because they do take longer than bread to toast to get warm and crisp and if you leave them in too long they will burn but the window between those states is a couple minutes. So I thought that if I stood right by the toaster and constantly monitored the waffle toasting progress I would do just fine and make the jumpy partner at ease. Wrong. About a minute and thirty seconds into the toasting process, the partner of my wife's uncle suddenly screeched that they were burning. I immediately popped them up from the toaster and was able to grab one of them as it bounced out but the other one was still down in the toaster due to its diminutive size. The one I had retrieved was barely luke warm, soggy and no signs of burning so I didn't think there was much danger of actual burning as I stepped across the kitchen to get a fork to pull the second waffle from the toaster. 

The partner of my wife's uncle however had different ideas. Still screeching about burning waffles he leaped across the kitchen and frantically started jerking the toaster lever and trying to catch the waffle like his life depended on it while I watched with fork in hand. When he finally got the waffle out he audibly breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back telling me about how that had been what he had been referring too when he spoke of burning waffles. I took the waffles into the dining room where the first waffle I had retrieved was still soggy and barely warm. The waffle that the partner of my wife's uncle had frantically retrieved had just started to brown and was actually halfway crisp. Needless to say I declined to eat waffles the following morning.

No shit that's the truth. The same boatman ended his stories like that.


Ron said...

Heh heh...

That's a good idea, to make extra for freezing. Those store-bought ones are practically air in my opinion. We put all kinds of stuff in ours... bits of ham or sausage, blueberries, blackberries...

Rich said...

Depending on how mad your wife would have gotten at you for messing with her uncle's partner, you should have popped a couple more waffles into the toaster to see what his reaction was. That would have probably given you a story to end all stories.

Ham (or ham and cheese) in a waffle sounds interesting, I once watched a show on the Food Network about a restaurant that only served waffles, and they had a Thanksgiving Dinner waffle on the menu. To make it, they made a waffle out of a cornbread and cranberry stuffing and topped it off with sliced turkey and gravy.

It sounded crazy, but it sure looked good on TV.

Try to cram one of those Thanksgiving Dinner waffles into the toaster and you'd have a story to end the story that ended all stories.

warren said...

A younger me might have made a fun game of that...glad to see you are more mature!

Ed said...

Ron - I've put fruit in waffles before but I've never thought about putting meat in them. A little bit of ham sounds good.

Rich - I might have but I was more than a little bit worried that he might have gone off the deep end and tried getting rid of me and the rest of my family in the middle of the night! If he comes and visits us someday, I'll make sure we are toasting waffles one morning.

Warren - I think it was more self preservation (see my comment to Rich) than maturity!

Anonymous said...

Are these things made from finely make spud. Or are they those sour dough things like a nan bread. But with the cross hatching. And is the toaster like the one with the letterbox slit the top.
This is one that is a bit lost in translation and shows the difference in culture for if I have to ask I'm not getting the amusement.
Oh, we've a thing called a toaster that has two gas burners, over and under, and a chain driving the slice across the heat that has an accelerator control to decide what degree of cookedness.