Although I have thought of my mom everyday since she passed away and even the thought of her has kept me up some nights, I haven't done a lot of mourning. I miss her but I think I did a lot of my mourning over the past two and a half years when I found out her days were numbered. I think another part is that I haven't had the closure of putting her remains, in this case cremains, in their final resting spot.
I was very conflicted in the weeks after she died. My dad was going down to their cabin in Arkansas to get away and my brother and family were going to be there during that time as well. I on the other hand had the long standing trip to the Philippines. Before leaving, I talked to my dad and we had a talk about mom's ashes. I told him I wanted to be there when he spread them around and I thought it should be a family event. He agreed.
After we got back from our trip to the Philippines, we invited him up to our house to hear about his trip to Arkansas, plan his upcoming trip (more on that in subsequent posts) and to talk about our trip to the Philippines. During that conversation, he said that he had already scattered most of mom's ashes already. He said he got tired of looking at the box of ashes all the time and decided he needed to get them scattered. I understand this on some level and would have probably felt the same way but I was hurt.
However, there is still some left and another place in Arkansas that he still wants to scatter the remaining ashes so there is still some hope that I can be there when that happens. Also, some were put in a small urn and given to my maternal grandparents to keep and I have asked after they are "done" with them, (they are now in their late 80's) if I could have them back and put them in a small country cemetery near where we grew up and my dad still lives. Mom didn't want her body in a cemetery and wanted to be scattered out at several places and I feel that part is/will be honored. I don't think she would mind is just a small portion of her ashes are in the cemetery. I just feel that it will be a place where I can go and visit and know a piece of her is there. I also would like a headstone with her name on it so future generations can know that she did exist nearby even if the farm is no longer there. This feels more important now that the majority of her ashes are scattered but in areas where I won't know specifically where she is.
In a way I shouldn't be surprised at the outcome this far. My dad has always been one to not dwell on what others might feel or think. Mom was the one that would suggest things based on what someone might feel or think about something. Dad just went along with the flow. I just found all this out yesterday (as I write this post) and didn't sleep much last night. Instead I got up and worked on mom's smart phone. We can't figure out her passwords necessary to switch the phone over to my dad's number so he can graduate from a flip phone. I'm probably going to end up reformatting the thing but I'm first getting things off of it that might come in handy, namely her contacts. I guess I was naive and thought my mom wouldn't have all that many on there but after two hours of writing hundreds of names and phone numbers down on paper in case they get lost, I'm probably only halfway done.
Good for you mom!