Friday, December 8, 2017

Call Me Mr. Unicorn No More

My transformation into a unicorn began probably two or three years ago, probably while rubbing sunscreen onto my forehead. Right in the center of my ever increasing forehead, I felt a small hard bump. Being married to a doctor, I asked her right away if it is something I need to get checked out but she said she wasn't worried. Periodically over the next three years as the bump began to get bigger I would repeat my question only to get the same answer.

Sometime earlier this year, it had grown enough that it was noticeable to other people such as my mom who notice such things. I even started getting an irritated red hue on the skin above the horn (my term for it). I asked my wife one last time if she was concerned fully prepared to fire her and go get a second opinion but this time she said I should get it checked out and even made an appointment for me to see a plastic surgeon!

"But it is just a horn."

"Yes but I don't want your face to be horribly disfigured."

"I can't help it that I was born that way."

"Correction, I don't want it any worse."

So I went to see the plastic surgeon and as surgeons tend to do he shouted, "Off with the unicorn horn!" He really didn't shout but like I expected, he was all for removing it and seeing just what he was working with. He did promise me a whiskey IV if I behaved. I signed on the dotted line.

The day of the surgery, my first in over 25 years, I showed up and was amazed at how much things had changed. Gone were the gowns showing butt cracks and long waits in said gowns among the general population. Instead I was ushered into a private room where I could put on the gown that showed the sides of my thighs instead of my butt crack. From there however, I was plumbed up to IV's, (he lied, there was no whiskey) and whisked into the operating theater and transferred to the slab which seemed more comfortable than I remembered.

Within seconds the lights started swirling about and going dim. The theater show was about to start!

I was only sedated and not under general anesthesia but I'm sensitive to it anyway and slept through the entire procedure except for one part, the actual removal of the unicorn horn! The actually took a hammer and chisel and although I couldn't feel anything, I could sense the impacts forcing my head to the right with every hit. Fortunately for the power of sedation, I didn't care one bit and fell back asleep before they started to drill to remove any subsurface cells that were causing this bone to grow.

Sometime between the operating theater and the recovery room, I popped wide awake and fully aware. Seconds later my wife was being ushered in and maybe less than an hour later I was walking out the doors with a ugly looking "gunshot" wound to my forehead. I was no longer a unicorn.

As I right this a week later, the wound while still visible is showing signs of healing and scabbing over. According to the doctor I have a few more days and then the sutures will fall off on their own and once the scab falls off, I will have a red scar, that will fade to white and after a year fade away into the wrinkles of my forehead.

Being a good surgeon, they tested my horn and found that it was truly just a bone and nothing to worry about. I'm sure my wife wanted to tell me that she had been right all along but she graciously refrained. Good beside manners and all. I guess I could have let it continue to grow and joined the circus sideshow as Mr. Unicorn but those dreams have been dashed. Still, I have gotten great joy telling all those who have inquired about what caused my wound that I woke up with a third eye, decided that just wouldn't do and poked it out with a chopstick.


Susan said...

I don't think I've every heard of someone developing into a unicorn. Your daughters must have been entranced. Not so much with the poked-out third eye, I assume. Did they give you any idea why the 'horn' started to develop right in the middle of your forehead? This is so interesting....

Ed said...

Susan - The technical term was benign osteoma. You can google it but it essentially is a bone that grows on top of another bone typically on the skull. The doctor basically said that your bone cells mutate for some reason and start growing again which is why they drilled out the area a bit to remove those mutated cells. He said that he has never had one grow back that he has removed in that fashion. He said although not common, it isn't a rare thing either, somewhere in-between.

Kelly said...

What an interesting, fascinating, and yes... entertaining post! I have so many visuals swirling around in my brain!

Probably a relief to have it checked, removed, and deemed "okay", even if it does ruin your chances in a carnival sideshow. I really like the third eye explanation. :)

Ed said...

Kelly - If definitely is a relief though the doctor warned me ahead of time that these things are almost always benign.

Leigh said...

Interesting! I'm glad it ended up being a straightforward procedure, and I know it's a relief to have it successful and done with. I like the third eye version. Dan had surgery when he was a baby for an abdominal blockage and the resulting scar is pretty weird. He likes to tell kids that he got hit in the stomach with a cannon ball. Never fails to get wide eyes and "Wow!s"

Bob said...

Not anything I’m familiar with at all. Glad to hear all is well. I would certainly be following up with that doc about the IV though!