Monday, February 21, 2011

A Toilet Paper Industry Out of Touch with the People

Nothing raises my blood pressure more than having to shop for toilet paper. I am not affected in the slightest by having to carry a package of paper rolls, whose only roll in this world will be to clean my ass, across the parking lot. I am not affected by the price or the claims of leaving behind the cleanest results. No what bothers me more than anything is that I can't buy just a plain roll of toilet paper anymore.

I must choose between double rolls, mega rolls, triple mega rolls and dozens of others promising bigger rolls with more paper upon them. I don't even mind having more for the sake of having to replace the roll less often but what gets me is that the rolls no longer fit the standard toilet paper holder in any of the bathrooms I have ever had the privilege of owning or renting. They were sized for the plain old single roll and these larger rolls have to be crammed into the opening. It's like trying to park a Humvee into a space meant for a compact car. It just doesn't work. So I am left with two options, I either have to remove the roll from the holder every time I want to use it until it has reduced to a size that will now fit and spin freely or I have to just sit it on the floor underneath a vacant holder until the same thing happens.

I would express my displeasure by not buying those over sized behemoths because I think they merely contain fluffier sheets and not more linear feet, a significant difference, but alas I have no choice. It is like giving a diner at a restaurant three choices for an entrĂ©e, fish, fish or fish.  If all you have is fish, or in this case oversize rolls of toilet paper, of course that is what I will be buying. Some of you are probably saying that of course I can buy single rolls but they are what I call institutional or John Wayne toilet paper. It is so thin that it takes miles of the stuff just to cover your hand with a protective barrier.

What?

You don't know what John Wayne toilet paper is?

Why it is toilet paper that is rough and tough and doesn't take shit from anyone!

10 comments:

R. Sherman said...

I hear your cry. We get our from a local ultra discount store and it fits perfectly into the allotted space. Plus, it's very, very cheap.

Cheers.

sage said...

I think this title should win an award for the best blog title of the year--I was laughing before I clicked over to your blog. We can blame it all on Mr. Wipple!

geri said...

I was toying with the idea of blogging about how I thought we had low water pressure or plumbing problem when Charmin toilet paper (from Sam's) just won't flush down, until I got Cottonelle from Target, and voila - problem gone. And the curious thing is Cottonelle is thicker than Charmin.

I also had a problem with not fitting in the toilet paper holder with over the top Charmin's bulkiness - crazy!

What a topic before breakfast lol

Bone said...

I would probably be more sympathetic, but I usually don't even bother to change out the roll anyway. I just stack the new one on top.

Or is it empathetic?

Either way, I'm one who always enjoys a good toilet post.

Woody said...

When the larger rolls first came out one of the manufacturers distributed an extender for your holder. I can't recall which one it was. I can't wait to see what the next innovation in toilet paper technology we are on course for!

Eutychus2 said...

I guess I had never paid attention to this terrible connundrum ... I just purchase whatever brand my good wife tells me to - besides I figure she's much more sensitive to the rubbing of the backside than I am ... except of course when I rebel and get the cheapest rolls, then I understand the folly of not following her guidance.

Eutychus2 said...

Geri
My good wife's favorite is also Cottonelle! ... so sorry Mr.Whipple just doesn't get the squeeze anymore.

Eutychus2 said...

Ed
I along with ole Sage give you my early vote for 'best blog title of the year' .......its going to be mighty difficult to wipe out this one!

Ron said...

Heh... timely topic, as we've been painting the toilet seat today... :)

I've proposed John Wayne tp, but have lost that battle.

Ron

Three Score and Ten or more said...

Dollartree hss single rolls that fit. Not the most comfortable but small and cheap. I think Sage is right, it is all Mr. Whipple's fault.