Friday, January 8, 2010

I Had the "Crap Card" Played On Me

Tree with Perfect Pitch - Arie den Boer Aboreteum

I consider myself a pretty healthy person. I don't eat a red meat with every meal or even every day. I eat my share of fruits and vegetables though not probably what they (the government) recommends but really, who trusts the government. But when my mom had a heart attack last summer, I thought I probably should at least get a physical to see how things are doing. I probably haven't had a physical since my high school sports days so I thought I was probably due. I am past my mid 30's edging closer to 40 when all sorts of things are supposed to be scheduled on a regular basis. So over my end of the year vacation time, I bit the bullet and made an appointment.

I gave blood, I gave urine but fortunately avoided any rubber gloved or sanitized cameras going into normally outgoing opening tests that I thought were probably imminent. I found out that my cholesterol is normal (that was my main concern), my blood is normal, my liver is strong as an ox (I didn't destroy too much in college in other words), and I'm pretty much considered healthy. Despite my better judgment, I did bring up the subject of a colonoscopy and the doctor said not to worry until I was 40 but just to be safe, gave me a "crap card." Pardon my pun and French, no shit, that is what he called it. I am supposed to smear some of it onto the card three different days and drop it off for analysis and supposedly, that will catch anything long before there are any major problems.

Then the doctor told me of a anecdotal story of a guy who received the crap card and returned them as promised with the little sanitary flap folded in place. However, he said the flap was bulged well out of place as if it was covering a good-sized portion of… ahem… substance to be analyzed. The nurse asked the doctor if he wanted to open it and the doctor politely declined. Moral of the story is that you don't need much smeared on the card for analysis. I'm glad he told me the story so that I won't make the same mistake.

13 comments:

Woody said...

Too funny..my wife works in a hospital lab. She had a real belly laugh on that one.

R. Sherman said...

"Thank you for this post," said a reader while turning and dropping the chocolate doughnut into the trash.

Cheers.

Ed said...

Woody - I had hoped it would be good for a laugh to someone.

R. Sherman - Perhaps I should have put a disclaimer.

sage said...

I thought it was 50 before you needed a colonoscopy... if you remember, I had one two years ago and the best thing I heard was that the doc didn't need to see me again till I was 60!

Murf said...

Or like dog poop for their annual vet visit, make sure it's defrosted before giving it to them.

So....how does one smear it on the card without getting the card wet?

Ed said...

Sage - It is unless your family has a history of polyps and then it is 40.

Murf - Fortunately the card includes popsickel sticks. I am fascinated on how your mind works!

Murf said...

Ed - Thanks! If I could stomach math I would have been a kick a$$ engineer. ;-)

So..you stick the popsicle stick into the water and into the solid item or do you just wipe with the popsicle stick? :-)

Murf said...

Or maybe transfer some from the toilet paper but wouldn't that taint the sample?!?

Yes, I'm still thinking of possible ways hours later. :-)

TC said...

Murf... we need to get you a life.

Murf said...

Thanks but I have one. I make special time for things like this.

Eutychus2 said...

Hey Murf...
I doubt that the paper would taint the 'smear' any than the stick; both materials are known to have 'fiber' particles so I suspect they figure that in in the testing.
Hey Ed... sounds like you came out well, I never got the option, they just started inserting. Your infomercial just reminded me I' due for another test....I'm going to ask for the 'card' this time.

Three Score and Ten or more said...

I have a similar but more detailed story that I am working up the courage to tell. As far as cholesterol is concerned, my normal would give your Doctor a heart attack.

Ed said...

Murf - From what the doctor told me, they are only interested in trace amounts of blood so I think either method would work and wouldn't 'taint' the results.

TC - That would probably be a big task. Let me know if you need help.

Eutychus2 - I think this is still delaying the inevitable when I turn 40.

3 Score - I told my story for the humor of it and just in case it might inform those that haven't had to go through it... yet. Although I always wish you good health, I do like learning from your stories of what I might expect later in life so do work up the courage to tell.