Tuesday, December 29, 2009

TSA Institutes New Underwear Procedures

Desert Rat here just back from an overseas on sabbatical to my home of non-desert-like Iowa and an international flight. I have breaking news for you, that is only four days old! Due to some idiot who tried to blow up his underpants with something other than intestinal gases, we are now required to place all underwear in those grey tubs along with our shoes, extra clothes, bags, metallic objects and generally everything you have on you for further screening. If your underwear is found to contain substances that are explosive in nature and of course aren't edible, you will be in big trouble.

Fortunately during the flight, we are still able to access our computers, handheld devices such as cellphones and PDA's, and even GPS units. With these devices and a window seat, you can still pin point your general location though you can no longer access the in-flight entertainment unit which shows a rough representation of your location thanks to further TSA restrictions. You can know where you are at any time but they are forbidden from telling you. One caveat, grab your GPS device more than one hour from landing because now, you can't stand up or even go to the bathroom to rearrange your explosive underpants in that last hour before landing. Nope. If you want to blow up an airplane, you are just going to have to do it sometime in those other 15 hours you have in your overseas flight from Chicago to Japan or similar overseas flight. It might be tight, especially if you've put on a lot of weight since buying that explosive new teddy that you might be wearing under that pantsuit but the law is the law. I say might be because after checking it in the grey tub, I'm not sure how many will be brave enough to put back on their underwear as we now do with our shoes, belts, coats, metallic objects, etc.

If you are contemplating flying international and your name is on the naughty list that they compile the even naughtier list from which prevents you from flying all together, don't worry, it doesn't matter anyway. You can still fly, explosive underpants and all, EVEN if you pay cash for a one-way international flight with no luggage. Rather than fix that problem, our government is just going to keep instituting more rules that make you scratch your head like outlawing bottled water. Oh wait, they already did that one. Maybe outlawing blankets, coats, pillows or anything covering your lap during the last hour of flight. Oh wait, they just did that one too. You must now hold all objects, including carry-on items stowed under the seat in front of you over your head the entire last hour of the flight so that the attendants can plainly see your crotch at all times. So I close by reminding you to pack in the explosives in your unmentionables after you check it in the grey tubs and before that last hour of flight. Happy travels!

Desert Rat

10 comments:

R. Sherman said...

I read one of the most insipid comments my a defender of this administration yesterday, implying that this was no big deal. My thought was, had this occurred under the previous administration's watch, there would've been calls for impeachment.

As I mentioned yesterday, undoubtedly the bureaucrats will draw the wrong conclusions and make the wrong decisions because none of them can/will admit their first course of action caused all the problems.

Morons.

Nevada Jack said...

Thanks for the heads up, Desert Rat. I'll be sure to insist that Sage wear some of that new underwear he got for Christmas when he flies down South later today!

Ed said...

R. Sherman - I did hear this morning that the TSA already backed down a bit now saying that it is the pilot's call on the moving around and nothing on the lap in the last hour rule.

Nevada Jack - Have a good trip!

Murf said...

Not that I ever wanted to be but I'm really glad I'm not Janet right now.

geri said...

I sure would hate to be flying anywhere right now.

Bone said...

I think this is my first Desert Rat post. What a way to be broken in!

TC said...

I think this is pretty much gonna force me to fork out $30-$50 per trip to check my luggage. A**holes.

Ed said...

Murf - Your new blogger picture seemed pretty suggestive until I clicked on it and saw the full sized picture.

Geri - I have never enjoyed flying, even in the good old days were we were served hot meals and free drinks. It has always been a necessary evil for me.

Bone - Desert Rat has been hibernating for quite awhile. Generally he surfaces to post a satirical post usually on something politial and was my answer to Sage's Nevada Jack.

TC - I haven't had anything but carryon since that rule was instituted but it would certainly take me out of the holiday spirit to tack that on top of the tickets along with their multitude of extra charges.

Murf said...

That's funny. I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice that on your comment page, all you can see is some skin although I don't see any picture after I post the comment. :-)

Murf said...

Oh now I see it the skin picture. This is even better than what it really is. :-)