Friday, December 15, 2006

You Might Be the Reason For My Christmas Loathing

Christmas is not my favorite time of the year. I love getting together with friends and relatives to celebrate the birthday of Christ but today is seems more about giving people presents we can't afford and they don't really need after spending the past month packed cheek to jowl in large malls fighting over the most popular present of the year according to some group out east. The meaning has been lost.
This is what I tell people but privately, there is another darker more sinister reason. I can't stand being so close to so many of you! You know whom I am talking to.

I'm talking about you Mr. Senile Man, who has long ago lost the ability to realize that you are blocking the aisle creating a huge traffic jam as you ponder over the labeling on two similar products.

I'm talking about you Mrs. Oblivious, who leaves her cart in the middle of the aisle to run down a different aisle for who knows what and then gives me hate barbs when I push it to one side so that I can get by. I see you everywhere and you are never paying attention to who is around you. You have no sense whatsoever.

I'm talking to you the Reunion Family, who feels the need to stand in the middle of the crowded mall corridor to catch up on your pasts while people bump your shoulders and try to squeeze by.

I'm talking to you Mr. Wrong Way, who can't seem to figure out that 99% of us walk on the right hand side of the corridor and tries to walk against everybody else and then plays chicken with me who not only out weighs you but is a foot taller. You're lucky I didn't knock you on your butt.

I'm talking to you Ms. Snooty Clerk, who walks away from the cash register in which I have been standing for ten minutes with money in hand to show somebody who just walked up where the cookware was even though I happened to be standing in the clothing department. Then to top it off, instead of hustling right back, you stop half way and start rearranging clothes on a rack instead of helping the waiting customers.

I'm talking to you Mrs. Can't Walk who sits in your car waiting for someone to get all their packages, kids, etc into their car and back out of the space so that you can park your big ass SUV into the tiny spot, meanwhile tying up traffic that can't get around you. I really did enjoy it when you followed me to my car twice, watched me slowly unload my packages into my car and then watched me smile as I walked past you towards the store again. I hope I ruined your day.

I'm talking to you the Gaggle Group, who can't walk anywhere unless they walk side by side taking up as much real estate as possible and not letting those of us who don't want to die of old age in some mall pass you by and get where we want to go.

I'm talking to you Negligent Parent, who thinks acceptable parenting is letting your children roam unattended, half dressed, in the mall getting high on sugary drinks and running into people and other more breakable objects. Not to mention that you are teaching your children, when they are with you where they belong, that the meaning of Christmas is how much you can buy with your limited resources.

I'm talking to you Mr. Poor Parker, who can't figure out the object of parking is to put your car between the lines and not straddling them causing me to maybe ding the crap our of your vehicle while trying to squeeze into my car that I left with a good two feet between the car and the lines on either side. Or even worse, you park your car next to the 'No Parking' sign as you dash into the store causing pedestrians to almost get run over because oncoming traffic can now no longer see them until they are in the middle of the road.

I'm talking to you the Light Family, who seems to think that Christmas is about cramming as many electrically lighted objects into your front yard as possible to outdo the Jones' and fool people into thinking that you are holier than thou. Instead of being all about yourself, why don't you save the time and money by working in a soup kitchen or giving to those without. In the very least, just decorate with something that doesn't scream, I need something large, lighted and extremely gaudy to help me celebrate Christmas!

I'm talking to you Mr. Poor Driver, who seems to think that in order to get your shopping done on time you must drive at excessive speeds, tailgate, weave in and out of traffic, not wait your turn at four way stops, cut people off on foot and in cars in your haste to nab a parking spot and otherwise just break most rules of the road.

Finally, I'm talking to you Mrs. Popularity, who has to spend the entire day talking on your cell phone, turning yourself into Mrs. Oblivious and Mr. Poor Driver. I don't care what you are doing for dinner, how long has it been since the last time that you spoke, where you just nabbed something 25% off, or whether Johnny would like the red or blue one. I just want you to pay attention to the world for a second, pay the dang cashier and let the rest of us get in our cars and drive safely home.

In a world where Christmas was done right, all shopping would be done online, delivered to your door and the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas would be spent together celebrating the birth of a king.

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